An Interview with Hugo Chavez

An Interview with Hugo Chavez

Tomas:

Good evening Presidente.

Chavez:

Hola Tomas.

Tomas:

Presidente, you have been meeting with Commendante Fidel at the meeting of the non-aligned nations. Are you at liberty to discuss your conversations with Fidel?

Chavez:

Discuss? Me? Discussions? Ah yeah right…discussions. Right, discussions! Sure we had, ah some discussions. Sure…that’s the ticket! We had discussions. We discussed. Why just the other day Fidel discussed with me. Yeah…that’s the ticket! We discussed!

Tomas:

Yes Presidente, go on please.

Chavez:

Hola Tomas.

Tomas:

No Presidente…I was hopeful you might tell my readers WHAT you and Fidel discussed.

Chavez:

What? What did we discuss?

Tomas:

Yes Presidente…what did you and Fidel discuss? I was hoping you might tell me.

Chavez:

Yes. What did we discuss? Oh! What did WE discuss! Why we discussed ah, world affairs. Yeah…that’s the ticket! World affairs! We discussed the affairs of the world. That’s the ticket!

Tomas:

Could you be a bit more specific Presidente?

Chavez:

Specific? Oh yes! Ah we talked about ah…specifically ah…nominating Fidel for Presidente…of the world. Yes, that’s the ticket! Presidente of the world. The whole world. Why I was specifically discussing that Fidel should be Presidente of the whole world. Yeah. That’s the ticket. But then Fidel says to me he says…ah. “No Hugo. You should be Presidente of the world.”

Tomas:

You’re saying Fidel nominated you for Presidente of the world?

Chavez:

He did? Ah, yes! Why sure he did! That’s the ticket. Presidente of the world. Me Hugo Chavez – Presidente of the whole world! That’s the ticket!

Tomas:

Well moving forward Presidente…can you discuss Fidel’s health?

Chavez:

Can I discuss Fidel’s health? Fidel’s healthy? Oh sure! FIDEL’S health! Why ah…yes. Fidel’s health. Sure he’s ah…healthy. Yeah, that’s the ticket! Fidel IS healthy. That’s the ticket.

Tomas:

Could you elaborate a bit more Presidente?

Chavez:

Hola Tomas.

Tomas:

About Fidel’s health, Presidente?

Chavez:

What? Oh health…right! Health…Fidel’s health. Why he’s healthy of course. Very healthy…up and walking around. Walking…no actually he’s running now. Yeah…that’s the ticket…running! Why he’s even running marathons now. Running marathons. He just broke the world record running a marathon…ah, until I ran a marathon then I broke the world record. Then Fidel said to me he said ah, he said ah, “Hugo! Very good marathon. You are the fastest marathon runner in the whole world. In the whole world.” Yeah that’s what he said. The whole world. Yeah! That’s the ticket!

Tomas:

You say Fidel has no difficulty talking now?

Chavez:

He doesn’t…Fidel? Oh! No…Fidel. No! Why he talks just fine. Yeah that’s the ticket! Talks just fine. Just jabbering away that Fidel. Why, he even sings. In fact, he sings opera. Yeah! That’s the ticket…opera! Fidel is an opera singer. That’s the ticket!

Tomas:

Opera singer? Fidel?

Chavez:

Certainly! I assure you of this fact. Why he’s even going to perform an opera. It’s ah…a one man opera starring Fidel. No wait! It’s actually a two man opera starring Fidel AND me. Yeah that’s the ticket. Me and Fidel singing opera! In Rome. Yeah that’s the ticket. Me and Fidel singing opera in Rome…for the Pope. In Rome…that’s the ticket! In Rome for the Pope.

Tomas:

So you are denying Fidel has brain damage from a stroke causing him to lose his speaking ability?

Chavez:

I am? Me? Ah…yes! I AM! I deny it. Yes…that’s the ticket.

Tomas:

And you can state with confidence that Fidel is not dying from cancer?

Chavez:

Cancer? Dying? Oh…Fidel. Why that’s ridiculous! He’s not dying. But he told me that if he ever dies he wants me to be in charge of the revolution. Yeah…that’s the ticket! Me…in charge of the revolution. And Cuba too! Fidel was just saying to me the other day he was saying, he says, “Hugo…when I die I want you to be Presidente of Cuba.” Me…the Presidente of Venezuela and Cuba. Yeah! That’s the ticket! Presidente of Cuba!

Tomas:

Thank you Presidente for your responses to my questions.

Chavez:

It was my pleasure! Why anytime you want an answer to a question why just ask me. That’s the ticket. Just ask me.